Mom,

I write this blog for you, and for you alone.

I can't imagine what it must be like to not have your parents in your life.  You went through something that no child should EVER have to go through.  Not many people lose their mother and father so soon after, and the way grandma went, was something that nobody should have to describe to anyone.  It's unfathomable to me that you are able to hold your head up every morning and keep going.  But you DO.  So many others would have thrown in the towel after what happened.  You could have quit.  When you were homeless and had to turn to someone you didn't want to, you could have held up your hands, and gone out the same way grandma did.  But you didn't.  You managed to get out of that situation and get into a beautiful apartment, and you did it all on your own.  You picked yourself up from utter despair, and made a life for yourself.  You got your job back, you've held that job, and not only do you have more than 3 clients, they are all attached to you, and they all appreciate you for the job you do.  Caregiving isn't a job for just anyone, in fact, I think it takes the most special of people to truly take care of others.  I never did the job justice, but I'm thankful to you every day that you were able to help me get that job, and it changed my life, in such a positive way.

You get up every day, and do your job, and you come home and keep your house clean, and take care of your dog, and you find things to do.  You shouldn't disregard that life.  You should think about where you were just 2 years ago, and think of how this could have turned out.

I know we are just "existing" at times.  I find myself twiddling my thumbs sometimes...thinking to myself, "What now?" but you said so yourself, sometimes we just "exist" and we go with the motions of every day.  Let me ask you... WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?  What's wrong with getting up, making breakfast, going to work, doing the dishes, watching our favorite tv shows, reading our favorite book? what's wrong with that?  once in awhile we'll go see a movie, or go to the pool, or maybe plan a vacation to the ocean, or to Vegas, or somewhere fun. What's wrong with living?  I know it's a lot easier said than done, and so many times I want to find my niche.  I don't have the talents that you do either.  I can't draw the way you can, or make a webpage like you can, or design a graphic that is out of this world.  I can't sew, or quilt, or knit the way you can.  Those things aren't little.  I remember the days of Now and Then, and those days, you were MAKING your christmas gifts.  You made dolls out of those air freshner things...do you remember those? Omg I LOVED those...or the bunnies that you made... the dolls with the curly hair stood out to me, but those air freshner dolls will always stand out the most.   You were (and are) the most creative person I know, and you went to school and got your degree, and I wish you gave yourself more credit for that.

Not just anyone can be a Grandma either.  Sure, you can biologically be a grandma, or grandpa, but it takes a special person to know the tricks of the trade.  Before Sarah came around, you WERE close to Alex (no matter what grandma thought), and I have lots of videos to prove it.  You had a way with him from the start, and even before he was born, you were taking care of him through me, and I was with you for the beginning of my pregnancy, and even after that, you supported me every step of the way.  And when he was born, you were my biggest cheerleader, and when we visited, he was your focus, and you had a special bond with him that grandma couldn't touch.  Sure, she tried, but he always had a special place in his heart for grandma cullough.  Sarah came along, and you guys bonded like only a grandma/granddaughter can...and even though you love Alex & Sarah exactly the same, there is a special bond between you and Sarah, and I cherish that.  You and her do the imaginative play that grandma and Alex did...that I just can't imitate.  But I try when you aren't here.  I'm trying to do the things that you do...but it's hard.  Creativity is not my strong suit, nor is cooking, but you and grandma taught me things, sometimes subconsciously, that have really helped me to become quite a domesticated house-wife and mother.  THANK YOU!!

I wish you were here, every minute of every day.  I don't think there's ANYTHING wrong with being close to your mother.  What the hell is wrong with it? Nothing.  Of course I want to experience my own things...things that I can tell you about, and have you be happy for me, and maybe I want to brag sometimes, but only because I feel like I'm becoming a woman (at 30, that sounds pathetic), but if I'm a woman, and I'm halfway decent, it's because of you.

Alex & Sarah will NEVER forget you, and they are counting the days until they see you again.  You keep putting yourself down because you don't have the $ to come every 6 months, or you feel like you aren't doing enough, and you have to stop it -- NOW...these kids cherish you, and they aren't going to hate you for anything, so when the timing is right, and you are here, they are just going to be happy, and so will I.

I don't expect you to work miracles, and be here tomorrow, but WHATEVER you decide to do, no matter where you go, I will be here with open arms for whatever that decision is.

We won't grow apart, and if I have to get a job just to save money so you can come visit, or so we can go places when you move here, I'll do that.  I love my little family here, but I'm nowhere without the support from you.  I'll need you.   It's inevitable.  I don't make it very long in life without screwing up. So await my call, it will come.

I hope you know how much you are loved, by everyone here in this house.  I'm doing the best I can... It isn't easy.  I'm in limbo.  I HATE not having a job, or a purpose, and even though my job wasn't glamorous...I was needed...and I miss that.  So right now I'm delving into the house wife thing.  Decorating, cooking, cleaning, and just trying to keep motivated to do these stupid squats every day (on top of that adding on a crunch challenge - oy vay!) and until I figure out what's next for me, I'm just going to be happy here, being me.

Smile!! and don't forget to laugh...find things that make YOU happy, and know that I'll support you no matter what... You're kinda stuck with me.

FOREVER